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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in Trance Log's LiveJournal:

Friday, February 14th, 2003
11:43 pm
Little boys
 
(re-posted from my "other" journal, just to remind y'all I'm still here, still playing, still cringing, still learning - back soon boys, so watch out).

They run about, full of energy with cheeky smiles and a wide-eyed puppy-dog look.

They goad and tease, prod and poke, like a hound with a hedgehog; fascinated and wary. They push at the big rock just to see if it will move, and only when it does to they realize the enormity of its mass and the power that might be carried with it should it roll. The ideal of how it might be to move the rock is what appeals; they want a safe place to play, a magickal rock that provides sufficient challenge to make moving it a prize, and yet is mysteriously back in its original resting place each morning.

The strength of their bonds is evaluated on the amount they can get away with but there is a distinction between acceptance and forgiveness. Acceptance cannot ever command their respect. Forgiveness is safe and comforting. Its all a game to them, and when the game escalates above them, spirals to a level that puts them out of their depth, they panic. They'll do anything just to remind themselves that they are self-determined.

They're fun to play with. Become absorbed in their games and you'll soon be out of your depth too, and you'll carry more momentum than they can comprehend until they see the approaching tsunami. Consider yourself above their playfulness and you will remain oblivious to the joy they bring, alienating them with your inability to relate. Of course the suggestion that they may be any less serious than they are taking themselves to be at that moment in time will yield offence. There is a reason they crave your stability.

Perhaps its just the ones I've known. Perhaps its just the ones I like. In any case, I'm glad I see it now ... even if its just a slightly more accurate "flawed perception" than the last. I'm learning to take everything less seriously.

Current Mood: calm
Friday, January 10th, 2003
12:16 am
Kegel Routine
Shamelessly theived from Chad, ASF.


  1. Begin with 5-10 slow reps: 1 rep is tighten your PC muscle for 4 seconds, then relax it for 1-2 seconds.

  2. Then 5-10 fast reps: tighten and contract as fast as you can.

  3. Lastly, 5-10 reverse reps: instead of tightening your PC, bear down.



Do the sets 5 times daily. Increase to as many as 30 reps of each, so that eventually you are doing 150 of each per day.
Thursday, January 9th, 2003
12:57 pm
Notes to self:

  • KEGELS

  • Type up a damn field report from last Saturday

  • Quit relaxing and expressing oneself according to how you naturally express, when you should be expressing to be understood (according to audience). Only retain natural expression when it is healthy and in accordance to how you would wish to express yourself as your "ideal you".

  • Put down some notes on where fucked up ideas on various things come from (family and shit)

  • Give yourself a break.

Saturday, January 4th, 2003
3:15 am
Market Research and “The Catch”
Before I set out tonight I thought a little about what my objectives would be. I wanted to have another ten interactions. Knowing openers are an issue at the moment but from NYE also knowing the eject button needs some oil on it, I decided I had to try and master these. After all, without openers you’re not playing, but once you’ve opened – if you can’t get away – you can’t open again, which means you can’t keep practicing openers! I also came to the conclusion that on the NYE sarge I spent too much time worrying about myself and my state, and that when I did interact my behaviours were too intensely focused on the target. This means I probably came across as anxious but suspiciously over-interested, rather than relaxed and “present” but pleasantly non-emotional about my target. I resolved to (try and) relax – just stop worrying so I wasn’t wasting precious brain space on “am I doing this right, am I doing that right, do I look foolish blah blah blah” and spent it instead on watching my target’s reactions.

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Ah well. Time for bed. Hope the detail in this FR is useful and not just babble – I think at this stage its important to record everything until I know what is and what isn’t significant. Just ate a bowl of cocoa pops when what I could really devour right now is a bacon sandwich, and its fucking cold out tonight. If I can sarge a beach-holiday town and achieve anything on Friday 3rd January, I’m doing ok.
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
10:49 pm
Field Report - New Year 2002/2003
I've been drafting this in my mind since the hour long wait for a taxi in the rain in this morning's early hours, so apologies if it's a bit long. First there's a quick summary of the various approaches that went on, then some analysis, and at the end some questions about things I need to get a handle on now (all constructive critique/suggestions welcome).

I've basically noted all *interactions* with guys even if its just messing about non-verbal jokey stuff. Reciprocating approaches and being "approachable" felt like work as I've always felt intimidated by these environments. Becoming more comfortable in them is one of the aims of the exercise, and when I do things will get easier! Hopefully soon I'll be counting ten *conversations* with a load of other stuff all going on that isn't even worth counting - at the moment its all new and a big deal. I've noticed straight away that getting out there and doing this stuff has given me a slightly different perspective on the ASF material, and I must be doing something right because all of a sudden I have loads of questions to ask, and can relate them and the other material to my experiences! What I did find is that its amazing how many people *don't* go out with the intention of meeting new people, just with a group of friends. They may as well stand in a room with loud music and nobody else, because they really don't want to talk to anybody they've never met before. Big barriers to break down - a hearty challenge! I was asked loads of times who I was there with, and in my few other experiences that hadn't happened so it took me by surprise. At the moment I have a very small repertoir and every situation is new. I'm sure (hope) that with practice it will get easier as questions will be often the same over and over, and the ability to think on one's feet also improves with practice!
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.... now I'm going to go jogging (other new year's resolutions too, y'know) and chill out . and I plan to go out and do it all again on Friday night, and Saturday night, because the only way to improve (and beat one-itus shit for good) is to get out there and KEEEEEP TRYING!

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Did you like the way I rationalized that heap of shite?

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